Unfuckingbelieveable.

You know, I've had a Wondrous Punch and a Newcastle, so I probably shouldn't talk about why I'm pissed right now...

Fuck it. I totally got blown off.


I'm going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt and say you were drunk and therefore didn't know any better, but... no, whatever.

Fuck this. Boys are dumb.









*Morning after edit*

I think perhaps the punch made me... punchy. It's cool now.

Happy Birthday, Android!

My darling husband is 27 today.

Have a drink for him, k?

Seven-and-a-half Million Years Later...

My weekend started out pretty well. The Android and I got coffee and zucchini bread at MayDay. We proceeded on to the Hometown on a gorgeous October morning. We listened to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the BBC radio show) and took the scenic route through many tiny towns with picturesque churches, barns and cows.

We got "home" and were fairly immediately forced to go golfing. I do not golf. The Android golfs maybe twice a year - the outlaws golf every day. Whatever - they enjoy it... but why do I have to be dragged along? I would have been perfectly content to find a marathon of SOMETHING on cable, but NO. The highlight of the golf outing was when my mother in law drove the golf cart under a pine tree which promptly smacked me in the face. I actually had to spit out a few needles. It was very Looney Tunes. In a horrible sting-y way.

We went back to the house and our 2 year old nephew and his parents came over. Nephew was dropped of so his parents could go out to dinner with grown-ups. (Wish they'd felt that okay with babysitters for our wedding, but that's a whole different story.) I learned that Nephew is a pretty cool kid. For a long time he was a Baby (boring, loud and smelly), but recently he's developed this funny real person personality. He walked around with a bucket on his head a lot - bringing much glee to Auntie and Uncle.

Unfortunately, as I am not a parent - a two year old's hilarious antics are only hilarious for a short time. By 8:30 I had offered a friend in the Cities 1.2 million dollars and a monkey to drive down with rum and root beer. I assume he got lost because I had neither rum nor root beer last night. (I haven't decided if he is still my friend.)

The Android commandeered the TV to watch the World Series game, only to give up in the 7th inning to go to bed. Again, a lost opportunity to watch a marathon of something on cable.

We slept on the World's Worst Mattress. Seriously, I think that fucker is in the Guinness Book of World Records. Apparently his grandmother slept on one side of the bed for 25 years (after her husband died) - and it never occured to ANYONE to flip the fucking thing. I kid you not. I was on the wrong end of the slope, too. The Android kept rolling on top of me in the middle of the night - and not in the fun way.

I woke up at 7:30 to get some uninterrupted cable watching time in, but I forgot that there are nothing but evangelists on at 7:30 on a Sunday morning. The next few hours are too boring to describe. So I won't.

We ate lunch at 1. I played with Nephew who is really into jumping on beds and giggling - pretty cute, actually. I managed to get the Android to commit to a 4pm departure time.


Oh my god, I am bored just writing this.






Highpoints:
+It was a really perfect, sunny, beautiful Minnesota weekend.
+69 Love Songs (The Magnetic Fields) is pretty great. I think I'm late on figuring this out, but we all know I am very uncool.
+Nephew knows my name and seemed to like me. This gives me hope that I won't suck as a mother.

Lowpoints:
-MIL's (mother in law for those not in the know) overuse of the word "incredible" (and "incredibly", for that matter). Find a new adjective, please.
-Being hit in the face with a pine branch by MIL AND being headbutted in the mouth by Nephew in the same day.
-Eating pot roast for lunch and having to floss the entire drive home and KNOWING you have bits of carcass stuck in your gums.
- SIL (sister in law) asking me if I needed one of her new matenity tops. Though I know she was asking in a roundabout way when I'm going to get myself knocked up, I prefer to think she was implying that I'm a fatass. Either way, she's an asshole.





On a less angsty and tortured note, I carved two pumpkins tonight. They kick ass. Perhaps I will post pictures sometime.

Inlaws: Scarier than outlaws, but with fewer guns.

I'm off to the Android's hometown for some good old fashioned judging by my in-laws. I haven't seen them since the middle of July. A three month run ain't half bad - but I think I'm gonna have to pay for it this weekend. Fuck.

Anyhoo - I'll be home Sunday night in time for the Family Guy.





Ooh - if you haven't already, download Radiohead's new album "In Rainbows". It's really quite good.

Also, you can download it for free, but I'm in favor of paying a few bucks. They seem like nice boys.

Actual Conversation - Part Une

(I no longer work there. Thank God.)



Me: Group Sales, how may I help you?

Customer: I'm bringing a group to Lays Mizzerabells in August. Is that how you pronounce it?

Me: Les Miserables. Okay, what can I do for you?

C: Well, what is that show about? Is it about drag queens?

Me: Drag queens? Umm.. no... it's about the French Revolution.

C: No drag queens then? It's family friendly?

Me: Well, not exactly. I mean, it's about war... It's a really famous play - it ran on Broadway for like... forever.

C: But my senior citizens can come? They were concerned that there would be drag queens.

Me: Nope. No drag queens. Tell you what - why don't you check out the synopsis on the website. You could also Google "Les Miserables" and check it out there.

C: I'll do that! Thanks!



(I told the PR director about this and she said they might be thinking of La Cage Au Folles... 'cause, you know... they're both French.)

Hey, Sailor!

Sailor Jerry rum and root beer are delicious together.

Today...

I learned that my husband kind of likes it when I am super bitchy and judge-y. But only for a little while.

I ate the most deliecious caramel apple ever made EVER.

I watched nine episodes of Undeclared (the short-lived but brilliant Apatow show circa 2001).




And it's only 3pm.

Veganism: Why?

I don't get vegans. I sort of get vegetarians - I myself enjoy gardenburgers far more than hamburgers because somemes I get to thinking about what I'm really eating and...

But no CHEESE? I find this hard to believe. And no ice cream. Well, not the good stuff, anyway. And no honey because bees die while farmers harvest the honey.

Seriously? That's their JOB. That ALL the bees do. Those bees were not going to finish their summer job as a honeymaker and start medical school and eventually cure cancer.



My first college roommate had a vegan boyfriend for awhile. He was an atheist named Christian. (Heh.) Anyway, one day we all ordered pizza. He ordered his with no cheese. I knew right then I couldn't trust him. And he was kind of a douchebag.



I'm not saying I hate vegans. I just don't get them.

Forty seconds.

Last night I manned the cheese tasting bar at the liquor store (next to the cheese shop/deli where I work). Since no one else was in the cheese shop, I kept the door locked unless a customer needed some cheese.

Apparently I got distracted at one point last night, and forgot to lock the door after ringing up a customer. I was gone maybe five minutes before I realized my mistake. Nothing looked off, so I figured I was fine.

I rang up another customer later and noticed that the $20 slot in the till was empty. Weird. I could have SWORN there were three checks in there earlier...

There were.

This morning my boss looked at the survellience tapes. While i was gone a man walked into my shop, opened the till, took $60 in cash (and three personal checks), and walked out.

It took him forty seconds.





I feel like shit.

A tip from me to you.

Don't buy store brand dental floss. It's like flossing your teeth with baling twine. Spring for the good stuff.

I'll tell you what you can do with your cucumbers.

I work at a deli/cheese shop. I quite like my job, actually - then douchebags like this walk in.

Customer: I'd like that chicken salad sandwich on wheat? The one in front? With the cucumbers on it?

Me: Sure! Can I get you anything else today?

Customer: Yeah. Can you do me a favor and take the cucumbers off for me?


No, seriously.

And because I'd prefer to keep my job, I walked into the back, unwrapped the sandwich, removed the offending cucumbers, and re-wrapped the sandwich.






It just occured to me that I totally should have spit on it or something.


Not that I would ever do that.



My question is twofold: Why couldn't he remove the cucumbers himself? And what is so wrong with cucumbers anyway? They don't taste like anything! They are basically water in green, phallic form!



Anyone have an answer?

I want my fifteen dollars! Fifteen dollars!

Blarg.

Tonight I saw some theatre. I was a good little Minneapolis theatre girl and I saw a damn play. Or something. I guess it more resembled performance art, maybe?

Anyway, I wasn't what one would call a fan of this particular piece of art. (About 45 minutes into it I thought about ingesting the entire bottle of Advil Liquigels in my purse - one by one - until I finally passed out and was allowed to die. Then I remembered that I only had about four capsules left... four Advil on a girl my size? Well. It doesn't do much except cure a headache and impair my ability to drive.)

Fifteen dollars. FIFTEEN DOLLARS! I just finished running a WAY better show and we only charged $10! Shit.






Fifteen dollars.

Post Secret

I'm OBSESSED with Post Secret. It's this ongoing art project this guy started - you write your deepest, darkest secret on a postcard and mail it to him.

There are like, four books, and a webpage (no archives, sadly, but it's updated fairly regularly) and I am suddenly obsessed with knowing other people's secrets. Like that's a new thing.


Check it out. It's supahcool. (I added the link to my list of cool places over there on your right.)

We've gotta move.

A man was stabbed across the street from my apartment building last night.

I woke up at a little after midnight to the most terrible screams I've ever heard. A man was screaming "Oh my God" and "Oh no" and probably other things that I couldn't understand. I thought I was dreaming for a while, and then I actually got annoyed (this is not the first time there has been much loudness outside my window at ungodly hours)...

The someone yelled "Someone call 911!". I looked out the bedroom window to see a man screaming in the street with a very dark stain on his chest.

What felt like a few seconds later two squad cars pulled up. Then a fire truck (which sucessfully blocked my view for the rest of the ordeal.), then a third squad car, then an ambulance.

The walls of our bedroom were alternately splashed with red and blue, red and blue. I couldn't really see anything, but I heard an officer say "Please. Just sit down and stop screaming, sir."

He had a point.

I continued to watch, Android flopped back on to the bed and grunted update requests for a few more minutes.

I don't think the man lived. I guess I don't really know for sure - but I could sort of see a stretcher loaded into the ambulance. Then one, two three squad cars left. Then the fire truck. Then the ambulance.


I asked my neighbor what happened this morning - he was the one who told me it was a stabbing. We stood on the front stoop and let the information settle for a moment, then before we parted he said "I hope my mom doesn't find out about this."

Me too.

That is some cute shit.

That's Finn. You can't get any cuter than him.

I have no response to that.

Just got this email from my mother:

Web,
Have you heard about the birth control pill Yaz? It is supposed to
deal with bloating, PMS--all the bad stuff...
You might want to check it out,
mum

I did in fact have a response. A lame one, but a response nonetheless:
"I'll look into it. Thanks."



If I had the balls:

Dear mom,
I would prefer not to discuss my birth control method with you. I am 26 and have pretty much been taking care of things myself since I was 19 and walked into my university's Health Services for the first time. You never even gave me the sex talk, so I do believe it's too late for that side of our relationship.
Thanks for playing.
Web

I'm legally bound to him.

I recently discovered that Android is a Hall and Oates fan. Not that there's anything wrong with that per se... I just didn't know.

I know he likes Rush. I know he totally geeks out over Stravinsky's The Soldiers Tale. I did not know that he somehow has the greatest hits of Hall and Oates filed away in his noggin.

I'll admit it threw me for a loop.

It has been a few days and I think I've come to terms with the situation. After all, I jam out to "Maneater" as much as the next guy (Who happens to be my husband).

Life goes on.