It's 9:45 on Saturday night...

and Android is putting up a curtain rod in the bedroom. There is much pounding and grunting involved, and not in the fun way that should be happening in the bedroom.



I... I may kill him if he doesn't stop smashing things in the wall and crabbing about how he can never find a hammer when he needs one.

A week in review.

Walk Hard - Tried very hard not to pee myself laughing. Succeeded, but just barely. The scene with the Beatles was one of the funniest things EVER.

Charlie Wilson's War: Tom Hanks= Brilliant. Julia Roberts= best I've ever seen her. Phillip Seymour Hoffman= Beyond good. You must see this movie.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street- Perfect and fantastic and exactly as it should have been. Bless you, Tim Burton. Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter were bitchin'. Perhaps not the best movie to go to on Christmas Eve with family members that had no idea what they were getting into, but... whatever. What did they think "Demon Barber" meant, anyway? Do they not IMDB every movie they see?

National Treasure: Book of Secrets - Pure entertainment from beginning to end. It won't win any Oscars, but I was totally into it, and so was every single person in the audience - great movie watching experience. Old Ed Harris. My GOD that man has aged well!

The Right Stuff - I understand this has been out for 20 some odd years, but no matter. Great movie, better book. Young Sam Shepard. Rowr.

Bee Movie - Weird and charming. Truly funny and very... yellow. Kinda put me off honey for a while, though.




In a little over a week I go back into rehearsal. Because I'm awesome (and it happened to work out this way) I have rehearsals Sunday-Thursday. Woo for me! Me and my actors may actually get to have social lives! Who knew?

I was saving that bacon.

Tallguy and I saw I Am Legend tonight. Don't tell Android - I think it was one of the movies he wanted to see with me. Oops.

Anyway, Will Smith is lovely as usual, he's a right talented young man, dontcha know.




Tomorrow Android and I shall see Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. I'm so excited I may actually pee my pants.

Bah humbug.

When is comes to Christmas (this year, at least) I'm a Grinch. When I'm at work I'm anti-Christmas. Christmas in the cheese shop means cheese trays and wine baskets and parties and giant vats of BBQ meatballs and crabby liquor store managers and stressed-out shipping guys and the increased chance that I will cut or burn myself.






On another note, my cat Lucy is spazzing out right now. She keeps attacking the mat by the back door. Then she runs away, then she attacks again.

And she just body slammed Finn on the kitchen floor. I think she may have gotten into the catnip.

Just a few things...

Apparently the Android starts speaking in a baaaad Brooklyn accent when he's drunk. This is a new development, and I'm not entirely sure I would have married him if I had known. I'm stuck now.


I start a new project in three weeks. I'm excited because it's going to be fun, but it's always hard to get back into the swing of things. Once the scheduling is done, and the contact sheets are typed up, etc... it gets to be fun. I'm pretty psyched for the cast - they seem cool. I recently worked with two of the guys and they are a joy to work with.

Christmas is a week away. This year will be spent with my family, so I don't have to stress myself out about the in-laws. Yay! My family is pretty low-key- that is, if I can deflect the guilt trips and passive aggressive tendencies. My Christmas tree isn't up yet, and I don't know if it ever will be. We lost one of the little plastic feet, so it won't stand up. Fuck it. I may drape twinkle lights over a chair and call it good.


Lately everything in the deli makes me want to throw up. I used the meat slicer today (I still have ten fingertips! Huzzah!) and had to crack open a new package of roast beef. Blood and beef juice GUSHED out of the plastic and I nearly hurled. Also, Philly Cheesesteak soup? Not delicious. Should never have been invented. Blarf. I think working with food all the damn time may be a positive - I never want to eat.


Ooh! Tallguy and I saw Beowulf in 3D last week. It was ridiculously gory (PG13?!?!) and kind of awesome. And now I have a bitchin' pair of 3D glasses for future use.


I'll gladly rent them to you.

It's got to get better sometime, right?

I think the lack of sun is getting to me. I'm scowl-y all the time, I ache, I'm tired and I'm a fucking whiner. So pleasant.

I burned the shit out of the roof of my mouth on some lava-hot chili this afternoon, so now I'm in constant pain. I have to go be social. I like hanging out with these girls, but all I REALLY want to do is sit on the couch and read. Or watch CSI Miami.

OH! I had some seriously fucked up dreams last night. Or maybe it was all one dream... I don't know. Anyway, I remember being in the woods and this guy started chasing me with a straight razor, and then I got all these flashes of body parts- like he had lopped them off his victims. Then I started stabbing him in the back with a pen, but it turned out to be the Android - luckily I didn't kill him, but he still had like, 15 pen-sized holes in his back. I wiped them down and sprayed him with liquid band-aid and he went on his merry way.

Not a fun way to wake up, let me tell you.

I'm not sure what I ate last night that made me have such crazy head visions, but... no more.

$415

FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLARS.

That's how much I just blew on my car. The distributor was kaput, and apparently they are made of pure platinum by blind nuns in the South of France.

I'm going to go cry for a bit.

We are Klingons!

This weekend, man.

I only have the brain power for a few bullet points, so here goes:

* The Klingon Christmas Carol went off without much of a hitch - and I got billed as stage manager. I was really only involved for six days, but I think they needed someone unknown to come in and boss people around. That's what I do. I'm The Closer if you will.

* My car died. Not completely dead, just disabled. It's sitting in my mechanic's parking lot, waiting to be poked and prodded tomorrow.

* I got a little Christmas spirit this afternoon when we walked into a coffee shop to wait for the tow truck - we were going to buy some hot beverages, but we only had plastic - and they only accepted cash and checks. No worries, we asked the owner guy if we could hang out and read while we waited. The two girls sitting near us came over a bit later with a hot chocolate for each of us. It was so sweet! One girl told us that her car had to be towed a few days ago and she knew how much it sucked. I felt all warm and fuzzy for HOURS after that, and I need to find a good way to return the favor.

* I bought some fantastic cheese at the cheese shop on Friday. I came home last night to see that the Android had made macaroni and cheese out of it. Seriously. He used a Wisconsin artisan cheese, a triple-cream Brie, and an 18 month gouda for his macaroni and cheese. I swear on all that is holy, I nearly killed him last night.

Three things that piss me off.

1) People who don't cross the street against the red light even when there are no other cars coming. Are you too good to jaywalk with the rest of us? You won't get hit by a car! (Possible exceptions - people with small children, the handicapped, and really, really old people.) I always feel like they are judging me from their ridiculously safe vantage point on the sidewalk.

2) Boys (because they certainly aren't men...) who still wear their stupid giant pants down around their thighs. I never liked this look. Never. The fact that it is still around baffles me. ATTENTION: You look STUPID. You have to do the weird waddle to keep your damn pants on. Stoppit. Buy jeans a few sizes smaller and feel free to let the world know you have an ass. It might be cute. I might stare at it appreciatively, who knows?

3) Those fucking babydoll dresses with Peter Pan collars that seem to be in vogue now. I haven't worn aPeter Pan collar since like, second grade... and I certainly won't start now by throwing on some jewel-toned monstrosity that looks rather like a circus tent.

No one can wear these dresses. Scratch that. No one but hipster girls can wear these dresses. I am not a hipster. I look like I ATE a hipster. Or three. (Why are they always so SKINNY?) Now, I could be a hipPIE, as they are allowed to be a little rounder... but The Wedge scares me a little.

I digress.

Those babydoll dresses with the Peter Pan collars? They need to be shot, ground up, turned back into thread and woven into some magical garment that makes my thighs look slim and my ass look like heaven.

A dentist's nightmare.

I just created the MOST bitchin' gingerbread house.

The thing looks like Willy Wonka puked on it, but it is brilliant.



I did the whole thing while watching season three of Project Runway - My brain is rotten and I have a sugar headache... all in all a good Saturday.

You know you're a grownup when...

...you learn to prioritize your obligations.

I just had to give up a cool theatre job that would probably be useful for contacts in the future so I could help my much-loved cheese shop boss out of a tight spot.



Bah.


Working catering gigs is kind of like being on a running crew, isn't it? I have to be invisible, have to wear black, don comfortable shoes, get to be surly behind the scenes... Yup. Basically the same thing.

Winter sucks.

I hate being cold.

I hate driving in the snow. I hate walking in the snow. Snow makes me fall down.

I hate having wet socks. I hate it when my pants get all snowy, then they thaw, then they freeze again.

I hate that I will never EVER be able to leave this god-forsaken state because too many important people are here.






I'm such a happy little elf.

Oh yeah.

I was the hot bridesmaid.

I drank entirely too much... No, scratch that. I drank "a lot", but not "too much" as I did not end up with my head in the toilet. Go me.

There was the proper amount of drama for a wedding reception. I broke up a potential brawl between too very drunk macho men. The rum must have made me brave - I guess I figured that there was NO WAY they'd hit a girl. It was fine - the situation was diffused and all was well.

My hungover ass has now got to get in in the car and drive to the in-law's house for a cousin's 30th birthday party. I shall sip water and be a perfect lady.

More wedding details as they come back to me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just spent a lovely five hours drinking and eating with my formerly estranged family members. I drank much MUCH wine, ate entirely too much food (which may cause problems with the bridesmaid dress I have to wear tomorrow...), and had an all around brilliant time.

The Android is utterly loaded. He's stumbling around in his socks and boxers... and he just flopped on to the bed is is fake sleeping. Charming.

So, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

I'll update on Saturday with news of the wedding (I'm hoping it isn't as eventful as the bachelorette party) - and at some point I'll put up pics of me in my ridiculous dress.

I'm totally going to be the hot bridesmaid. Oh yeah.

An Invitation.

I just got back from working a wine tasting and I now have six half full bottles of pretty good wine sitting in my apartment.

I probably shouldn't drink them all.

Call me if you want to come over for a glass of wine tomorrow night.

Newts are awesome.

War With The Newts was fabulous. Really pretty amazing. Go see it.






Nevermind. Apparently it closed Saturday night. Alas.

Things you probably don't know about me.

Just in case you care.



I always cross my fingers when I pass a graveyard. No deep-seated superstition - I saw it on A League Of Their Own when I was about 12 and decided it looked like a good idea.

I've been coloring my hair since I was 14. My natural hair color is an awful, mousy brown and I refuse to go back to it.

I never debated for one minute whether to take Android's last name when we got married. I kept my name. It was a non-issue.

Sometimes I sneak out of bed after Android is asleep, sleep on the couch in the living room, and set my alarm for before he wakes up the next morning. I love him dearly, but I like to sleep on the couch. It's cozy and I don't have to share the blanket.




That's all for now. I'm going to see A War With Newts at the Red Eye.

I'll let you know.

Actual Conversation - Part Deux

Me: So... I have a question for you. Who sang this song?
"We didn't start the fire - it was always burning since the world..."

Android: Billy Joel.

Me: Dammit!

Android: What?

Me: Why does everyone just KNOW this?

Android: You didn't... know that? It's a Billy Joel song!

Me: No! I mean - I know the song - I love the song... I just didn't know... Oh, shut up.

Thanks for that.

Regular customer (Whose check was stolen in the burglary): "Okay. I have no cash, so I have to write a check. You guys are going to keep an eye on your cash register today, right?"

Me: "Um. Yes."

Regular customer: "Good. And it's the 13th, so it's extra important today."




The fuck? Thanks, lady. A month later and I still feel like shit. Thanks for rubbing it in. Awesome.





I swear - the next time someone brings up the damn burglary, I will snap.

Oh my damn.

This weekend was a doozy.

It started on Friday morning with a trip to Appleton, WI (four and a half hour drive with speed-demon me at the wheel most of the time) - with three actors I had never met before on our way to do a show I had never seen, read, nor knew anything about. We got to Appleton, loaded into the university's lovely little experimental theatre, did the show with only one fuck-up from me, loaded out, got some Thai food, and went back to the hotel. The actors are sweet, funny people and I'm glad I got tossed into this situation with them. That is how some of the best relationships are created.

We hopped back in the van at 9 Saturday morning. We got home, I clean up a bit, threw a few things in a bag, then Android and I made the three hour drive up to Duluth for a bachelor/bachelorette party.

It started out well. Really well. The seven girls went out for Mexican, drank many many margaritas, and I think we all had a pretty good buzz going. Unfortunately, after dinner we trekked back to the hotel room (occupied by 5 of the girls) so they could "get hoochied up". I'm 26. I'm married. I don't get hoochied up anymore. I'm fairly sure I never got hoochied up. Whatever.

TWO HOURS later, we were on our way to Superior, WI. Because the general consensus was that the drinks are cheaper there. Untrue, as it turns out. The drinks are the same price as in Duluth (Or the Twin Cities, for that matter) and the bars are more boring, dirtier, and more full of white trash. So, there you go.



I... just can't describe the rest of the night, so here are the bullet points:

*The bride's brother was arrested for public urination and thrown in jail.

*We could not tell the bride about the incident above because she would not process the information well in her current state.

*I very nearly killed another bridesmaid because she was being a total bitch to me all night.

*I very nearly killed ANOTHER bridesmaid because she was being such and attention whore ALL NIGHT LONG. Anything anyone said was brought around to either her, or her boyfriend.

*The trip to the "cop shop" to bail out the bride's brother (by the groom's brother and friend) was unsuccessful. The brother was being uncooperative with the cops and they decided to keep him overnight.

*One of the guys told the bride that her brother was in jail - after we begged him not to. She did not process the information well. She spent the last hour or so of the night sobbing to various people and telling me to fuck off because I offered her a tissue.

*The guy who told the bride her brother was in jail was arrested for being a douchebag and drinking a beer out on the street.

(Did I mention I was stone cold sober pretty much the whole time, and that drunk people are extra unfunny when you are sober?)



Android and I met up at the end of the night, and we and another couple went back to our hotel room. We fell asleep at 3am.


The fun didn't stop there. I drove home because Android actually had a good time the night before and was still a little hungover. We stopped in Hinckley for gas, and while we were there a man fell down on the ground and had a seizure - I think he bit his tounge or his lip - there was a lot of blood. We stayed until the ambulance came, then proceeded down to the cities.

A word to you vegetarians out there - or even those of you who don't want to see many, many dead animals in the backs of pickup trucks - don't drive on 35S on a Sunday afternoon during hunting season. Ew.



We're home now. We're about to go see The Lion King. I'm deliriously happy that my weekend is at an end.

Things I know:

Don't try to catch a falling bread knife.

A hot shower on a freezing cold morning may sound like a good idea. It is not. You will be lovely and warm until you shut off the water, then you will wish you were dead. Stay in bed for an extra 15 minutes to try to work up the strength to put some pants on.

If someone you have to see on a regular basis does not share the same views as you do, it is usually best to keep your mouth shut. Smile in a pleasant but dim manner until they stop talking. (Unless they are really just mean assholes, then let them have it.)

It's okay to ignore people on the bus, but be nice to the driver.

Being in a wedding costs a LOT of money. I did not know this until recently.

No more flumping.

I'm not as nice as I think I am.

by Rick Robot (from Peace Words)

The other day i was lain in a hammock
i was enjoying the walnut droppings courtesy of a squirll high above.
then a peculiar thing: the damn wind blew the squirll from it's branch, and it headed strait for me. I could see his parachute belly.
i know, strange. perhaps he was an elderly squirll or drunk.
well i quickly stumbled away from the are with plenty of time, for the tree was very tall. I didnt want to get scratched you see. although intermittently it looked to be pretty plain that the little bugger would land quite clear of the hammock.
So I'd have been fine if i'd just stop to see. poor little fella
.............flump.
now, sitting here. i think what now i will try to think the next time this happens: if I am wearing any garment, i will pull it out in front of me and do my level best to catch that squirll. Darwin or no, i cant abide any more flumping.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






Indeed, Rick. Indeed.

Time to throw down. Or not.

My best friend had a housewarming party last night. Parties at her house are always easy, calming. I usually don't know most of the people there and therefore there's no pressure. There was only one bit of oddness - the Android's ex girlfriend was going to be there. Somehow fate thought it would be hiLARious to make her my best friend's new boss.

I took the proper precautions - I asked the Android how tall she was, and when he said he couldn't remember I decided to wear my tallest boots so I would tower over her. You know, just in case. I didn't need the boots, and since they kind of hurt my feet they came off after the initial introduction. I didn't say much to her - was I supposed to? I'm sure she's a very nice girl, but what are we supposed to discuss? His mother? Yeesh.




Other than that blip of drama, it was a lovely night. I mingled and chatted and drank cranberry juice and vodka, I sat in a circle with people I've known for a little less than a third of my life. It's funny - most of us don't get together that often, but when we are together - at someone's wedding or birthday party, or housewarming - it's like that's all there is in the world.

Sometimes you need that for a few hours.

Hey, did I tell y'all...

I'm a working stage manager now! Who knew?

The first 5 months of 2008 are booked up. I'm thrilled to bits.

Snap!

The Android asked to read my blog. I said okay, and wandered out of the room as he giggled at my charming story of the drag queens in Les Miserables.

Thirty seconds later, I heard typing - "You're not reading anymore? You got bored that fast?"

"Eh. I've heard most of that stuff already."




Awesome. Thanks for that.


I'm being overly sensitive, but DAMN!

Gone Baby Gone

Pretty damn good movie. I adore Casey Affleck now. Go see it.

Unfuckingbelieveable.

You know, I've had a Wondrous Punch and a Newcastle, so I probably shouldn't talk about why I'm pissed right now...

Fuck it. I totally got blown off.


I'm going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt and say you were drunk and therefore didn't know any better, but... no, whatever.

Fuck this. Boys are dumb.









*Morning after edit*

I think perhaps the punch made me... punchy. It's cool now.

Happy Birthday, Android!

My darling husband is 27 today.

Have a drink for him, k?

Seven-and-a-half Million Years Later...

My weekend started out pretty well. The Android and I got coffee and zucchini bread at MayDay. We proceeded on to the Hometown on a gorgeous October morning. We listened to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the BBC radio show) and took the scenic route through many tiny towns with picturesque churches, barns and cows.

We got "home" and were fairly immediately forced to go golfing. I do not golf. The Android golfs maybe twice a year - the outlaws golf every day. Whatever - they enjoy it... but why do I have to be dragged along? I would have been perfectly content to find a marathon of SOMETHING on cable, but NO. The highlight of the golf outing was when my mother in law drove the golf cart under a pine tree which promptly smacked me in the face. I actually had to spit out a few needles. It was very Looney Tunes. In a horrible sting-y way.

We went back to the house and our 2 year old nephew and his parents came over. Nephew was dropped of so his parents could go out to dinner with grown-ups. (Wish they'd felt that okay with babysitters for our wedding, but that's a whole different story.) I learned that Nephew is a pretty cool kid. For a long time he was a Baby (boring, loud and smelly), but recently he's developed this funny real person personality. He walked around with a bucket on his head a lot - bringing much glee to Auntie and Uncle.

Unfortunately, as I am not a parent - a two year old's hilarious antics are only hilarious for a short time. By 8:30 I had offered a friend in the Cities 1.2 million dollars and a monkey to drive down with rum and root beer. I assume he got lost because I had neither rum nor root beer last night. (I haven't decided if he is still my friend.)

The Android commandeered the TV to watch the World Series game, only to give up in the 7th inning to go to bed. Again, a lost opportunity to watch a marathon of something on cable.

We slept on the World's Worst Mattress. Seriously, I think that fucker is in the Guinness Book of World Records. Apparently his grandmother slept on one side of the bed for 25 years (after her husband died) - and it never occured to ANYONE to flip the fucking thing. I kid you not. I was on the wrong end of the slope, too. The Android kept rolling on top of me in the middle of the night - and not in the fun way.

I woke up at 7:30 to get some uninterrupted cable watching time in, but I forgot that there are nothing but evangelists on at 7:30 on a Sunday morning. The next few hours are too boring to describe. So I won't.

We ate lunch at 1. I played with Nephew who is really into jumping on beds and giggling - pretty cute, actually. I managed to get the Android to commit to a 4pm departure time.


Oh my god, I am bored just writing this.






Highpoints:
+It was a really perfect, sunny, beautiful Minnesota weekend.
+69 Love Songs (The Magnetic Fields) is pretty great. I think I'm late on figuring this out, but we all know I am very uncool.
+Nephew knows my name and seemed to like me. This gives me hope that I won't suck as a mother.

Lowpoints:
-MIL's (mother in law for those not in the know) overuse of the word "incredible" (and "incredibly", for that matter). Find a new adjective, please.
-Being hit in the face with a pine branch by MIL AND being headbutted in the mouth by Nephew in the same day.
-Eating pot roast for lunch and having to floss the entire drive home and KNOWING you have bits of carcass stuck in your gums.
- SIL (sister in law) asking me if I needed one of her new matenity tops. Though I know she was asking in a roundabout way when I'm going to get myself knocked up, I prefer to think she was implying that I'm a fatass. Either way, she's an asshole.





On a less angsty and tortured note, I carved two pumpkins tonight. They kick ass. Perhaps I will post pictures sometime.

Inlaws: Scarier than outlaws, but with fewer guns.

I'm off to the Android's hometown for some good old fashioned judging by my in-laws. I haven't seen them since the middle of July. A three month run ain't half bad - but I think I'm gonna have to pay for it this weekend. Fuck.

Anyhoo - I'll be home Sunday night in time for the Family Guy.





Ooh - if you haven't already, download Radiohead's new album "In Rainbows". It's really quite good.

Also, you can download it for free, but I'm in favor of paying a few bucks. They seem like nice boys.

Actual Conversation - Part Une

(I no longer work there. Thank God.)



Me: Group Sales, how may I help you?

Customer: I'm bringing a group to Lays Mizzerabells in August. Is that how you pronounce it?

Me: Les Miserables. Okay, what can I do for you?

C: Well, what is that show about? Is it about drag queens?

Me: Drag queens? Umm.. no... it's about the French Revolution.

C: No drag queens then? It's family friendly?

Me: Well, not exactly. I mean, it's about war... It's a really famous play - it ran on Broadway for like... forever.

C: But my senior citizens can come? They were concerned that there would be drag queens.

Me: Nope. No drag queens. Tell you what - why don't you check out the synopsis on the website. You could also Google "Les Miserables" and check it out there.

C: I'll do that! Thanks!



(I told the PR director about this and she said they might be thinking of La Cage Au Folles... 'cause, you know... they're both French.)

Hey, Sailor!

Sailor Jerry rum and root beer are delicious together.

Today...

I learned that my husband kind of likes it when I am super bitchy and judge-y. But only for a little while.

I ate the most deliecious caramel apple ever made EVER.

I watched nine episodes of Undeclared (the short-lived but brilliant Apatow show circa 2001).




And it's only 3pm.

Veganism: Why?

I don't get vegans. I sort of get vegetarians - I myself enjoy gardenburgers far more than hamburgers because somemes I get to thinking about what I'm really eating and...

But no CHEESE? I find this hard to believe. And no ice cream. Well, not the good stuff, anyway. And no honey because bees die while farmers harvest the honey.

Seriously? That's their JOB. That ALL the bees do. Those bees were not going to finish their summer job as a honeymaker and start medical school and eventually cure cancer.



My first college roommate had a vegan boyfriend for awhile. He was an atheist named Christian. (Heh.) Anyway, one day we all ordered pizza. He ordered his with no cheese. I knew right then I couldn't trust him. And he was kind of a douchebag.



I'm not saying I hate vegans. I just don't get them.

Forty seconds.

Last night I manned the cheese tasting bar at the liquor store (next to the cheese shop/deli where I work). Since no one else was in the cheese shop, I kept the door locked unless a customer needed some cheese.

Apparently I got distracted at one point last night, and forgot to lock the door after ringing up a customer. I was gone maybe five minutes before I realized my mistake. Nothing looked off, so I figured I was fine.

I rang up another customer later and noticed that the $20 slot in the till was empty. Weird. I could have SWORN there were three checks in there earlier...

There were.

This morning my boss looked at the survellience tapes. While i was gone a man walked into my shop, opened the till, took $60 in cash (and three personal checks), and walked out.

It took him forty seconds.





I feel like shit.

A tip from me to you.

Don't buy store brand dental floss. It's like flossing your teeth with baling twine. Spring for the good stuff.

I'll tell you what you can do with your cucumbers.

I work at a deli/cheese shop. I quite like my job, actually - then douchebags like this walk in.

Customer: I'd like that chicken salad sandwich on wheat? The one in front? With the cucumbers on it?

Me: Sure! Can I get you anything else today?

Customer: Yeah. Can you do me a favor and take the cucumbers off for me?


No, seriously.

And because I'd prefer to keep my job, I walked into the back, unwrapped the sandwich, removed the offending cucumbers, and re-wrapped the sandwich.






It just occured to me that I totally should have spit on it or something.


Not that I would ever do that.



My question is twofold: Why couldn't he remove the cucumbers himself? And what is so wrong with cucumbers anyway? They don't taste like anything! They are basically water in green, phallic form!



Anyone have an answer?

I want my fifteen dollars! Fifteen dollars!

Blarg.

Tonight I saw some theatre. I was a good little Minneapolis theatre girl and I saw a damn play. Or something. I guess it more resembled performance art, maybe?

Anyway, I wasn't what one would call a fan of this particular piece of art. (About 45 minutes into it I thought about ingesting the entire bottle of Advil Liquigels in my purse - one by one - until I finally passed out and was allowed to die. Then I remembered that I only had about four capsules left... four Advil on a girl my size? Well. It doesn't do much except cure a headache and impair my ability to drive.)

Fifteen dollars. FIFTEEN DOLLARS! I just finished running a WAY better show and we only charged $10! Shit.






Fifteen dollars.

Post Secret

I'm OBSESSED with Post Secret. It's this ongoing art project this guy started - you write your deepest, darkest secret on a postcard and mail it to him.

There are like, four books, and a webpage (no archives, sadly, but it's updated fairly regularly) and I am suddenly obsessed with knowing other people's secrets. Like that's a new thing.


Check it out. It's supahcool. (I added the link to my list of cool places over there on your right.)

We've gotta move.

A man was stabbed across the street from my apartment building last night.

I woke up at a little after midnight to the most terrible screams I've ever heard. A man was screaming "Oh my God" and "Oh no" and probably other things that I couldn't understand. I thought I was dreaming for a while, and then I actually got annoyed (this is not the first time there has been much loudness outside my window at ungodly hours)...

The someone yelled "Someone call 911!". I looked out the bedroom window to see a man screaming in the street with a very dark stain on his chest.

What felt like a few seconds later two squad cars pulled up. Then a fire truck (which sucessfully blocked my view for the rest of the ordeal.), then a third squad car, then an ambulance.

The walls of our bedroom were alternately splashed with red and blue, red and blue. I couldn't really see anything, but I heard an officer say "Please. Just sit down and stop screaming, sir."

He had a point.

I continued to watch, Android flopped back on to the bed and grunted update requests for a few more minutes.

I don't think the man lived. I guess I don't really know for sure - but I could sort of see a stretcher loaded into the ambulance. Then one, two three squad cars left. Then the fire truck. Then the ambulance.


I asked my neighbor what happened this morning - he was the one who told me it was a stabbing. We stood on the front stoop and let the information settle for a moment, then before we parted he said "I hope my mom doesn't find out about this."

Me too.

That is some cute shit.

That's Finn. You can't get any cuter than him.

I have no response to that.

Just got this email from my mother:

Web,
Have you heard about the birth control pill Yaz? It is supposed to
deal with bloating, PMS--all the bad stuff...
You might want to check it out,
mum

I did in fact have a response. A lame one, but a response nonetheless:
"I'll look into it. Thanks."



If I had the balls:

Dear mom,
I would prefer not to discuss my birth control method with you. I am 26 and have pretty much been taking care of things myself since I was 19 and walked into my university's Health Services for the first time. You never even gave me the sex talk, so I do believe it's too late for that side of our relationship.
Thanks for playing.
Web

I'm legally bound to him.

I recently discovered that Android is a Hall and Oates fan. Not that there's anything wrong with that per se... I just didn't know.

I know he likes Rush. I know he totally geeks out over Stravinsky's The Soldiers Tale. I did not know that he somehow has the greatest hits of Hall and Oates filed away in his noggin.

I'll admit it threw me for a loop.

It has been a few days and I think I've come to terms with the situation. After all, I jam out to "Maneater" as much as the next guy (Who happens to be my husband).

Life goes on.